I am an umbrella assassin.
There’s just no other term for it. No matter how many umbrellas I buy, no matter how cheap or expensive they are, they never last more than a few months. Inevitably the fabric starts to separate from the spokes (…I’ve decided the metal parts are called spokes), the open/close mechanism refuses to open/close, and the entire thing just snaps inside-out at the slightest gust of wind.
One morning a few weeks ago, my umbrella broke literally five feet from my apartment door. I was forced to make the rest of my commute holding the mangled fabric of the umbrella corpse over my head, struggling for some semblance of shield from the increasing downpour. Not only did that attempt fail, but the runoff from my dying umbrella streamed right down the sleeve of my coat in the process.